Sunday, October 31, 2010

que sera sera

no adventures today - unless you count discovering many lost treasures in my tidy of my den/wardrobe/jewellry/cosmetics !

but a sense of calm, sense of it's all OK,or it will be, a sense that what has happened has happened and que sera sera

good night and God bless to anyone reading this - anyone

btw me and my Mum used to sing this song together que sera sera

for my Buddhist friends

However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? - Buddha

I love it when you call

I woke up with this going round in my head today, no knowing what'll be in my head really

I love it when you call, I love it when you call
I love it when you call but you never call at all
So what's the complication? It's only conversation
And I love it when you call but you never call at all,
rest of lyrics

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Canterbury Cathedral

There was actually a queue to get into the Cathedral today - and it appeared to cost £8 just to get into the cloisters so I gave it a miss and went into the nearby St Peters Church instead to say my prayers. Yes I know Cathedrals need upkeep but, herumph.
It was a beautiful sunny day again. Cannot quite believe it will be Hallowe'en tomorrow. The town was busy and had lots of craft fairs and little stalls and things. However, I ended up buying two books (a novel and a book about literature reviews) and some rather nice shoes. They are a dark teal, if you are interested in the detail. I didn't really need to have gone all that way for books and shoes but, isn't life mainly about books and shoes wherever you are?

Now I'm home and having a cuppa and a bakewell tart.

And did I have an adventure? The day's not over yet .......

oh and PS I was reminded of a story that I'm sure you've heard:

........ about a traveler in the Middle Ages, who visited a city where many stone cutters were working. Approaching several, he asked the same question: “What are you doing?” The first stonecutter he met replied, “I’m cutting stone. It’s dull work, but it pays the bills.” A second stonecutter responded, “I’m the best stone cutter in the land. Look at the smoothness of this stone, how perfect the edges are.” A third pointed to a foundation several yards away, and said, “I’m building a cathedral.”

There are lots of references to it on the Internet, I chose this site

every day an adventure

I begin every day (well pretty much every day) wondering where the road will take me, what will I learn/find out about, who will I meet/meet again? Today may be the last day for a while where work and other commitments will allow me to head off into the English countryside to see what's out there. It doesn't mean it will be my last adventure of the year though. At the risk of sounding like Bilbo Baggins, every time I step out the front door, even if it's to go to work, I don't really know what the day will bring. I don't necessarily even need to leave home - could be a letter, phone call, e-mail message or something else that provides the day's 'difference'.

Sometimes, what I think will be fun turns out to be hard work, and oftentimes, the other way around (my big brother always told me that would be true).

Sometimes I learn things I'd rather not have known, but that doesn't make them less valuable lessons for me.

Today, I feel optimistic - OK I do most days. Though I was once described as a 'happy pessimist' - maybe I give the air of assuming things will probably go wrong but we'll make the most of it? Don't know. But today I definitely feel that there is something *important* waiting for me. Better buy petrol for the car, laters ....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

just give me back my pieces

OK I saw it first on a TV ad but I still like it

I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok
I just wanna be ok today
I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok
I just wanna be ok today.
I just wanna feel the day, feel the day, feel the day
I just wanna feel something today
I just wanna feel the day, feel the day, feel the day
I just wanna feel something today.
Open me, open you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts.
I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts
Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me, please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I wïll be ok

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"gods never get their feet wet"

I liked this line from the film Centurion:  "gods never get their feet wet"

What does it make you think about? It made me wonder if the gods are laughing at us as they watch us slog through the mud and mire. Or....

No, rewind that thought. Perhaps the point is that we are not the people who get wet, we are the ones who walk in the rain - and laugh and run and shout and jump. And those poor gods? They have to stay on their bone dry vantage point and they don't get to share these beautiful human emotions and physical sensations.

So next time I am envying the gods with their perfect lives (aka people I envy as they lead uncomplicated lives or seem to be oh so involved with their oh so wonderful families), maybe I need to remind myself that there was a reason why those gods of old transformed themselves in order to visit us humans. Being less than perfect, being less than wonderful even, it's not so bad.

Hey, I get to get my feet wet, and my hair, my eyelashes, my tongue if I stick it out!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Other Side of Land's End

I loved this post from @dolphindancer (above), it's a beautiful picture that makes me miss home yet again.

I also loved the concept of the "other side of Land's End". I used to live near Land's End - and, as a child, I wandered the cliff paths near there. In the summer, we searched for slow worms. In the autumn, we picked(and ate) blackberries. The winters were mild and the spring brought the scent of wild garlic. But what is on the other side of Land's End? Perhaps it's the land where dreams come true. It could be the place where the person we planned to be actually did evolve. Is it reached via a worm hole, through a gap in time? Do we ever get back there? perhaps we shouldn't, for maybe the fabric of the universe will alter if we do. Then again, who's to say there's only one universe? And, however many universes there are .... what's on the other side?

Brave words

Despite my brave words of yesterday, I am still feeling a little emotionally battered today.


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Keeping busy

I've been 'keeping busy' this morning/afternoon. Every time I pause for thought..... well the trouble is I *think*!

@ghostdevil Every pain has its #lessons. Find, and #learn from them. It's a secret to get a #true #happiness.

People come and go in our lives and (sometimes) we have no real control over this. Why come in if they are only going to leave you alone again, and somewhat bereft for something you didn't even know that you needed or wanted? If they hadn't appeared in the first place, well, you'd have been no worse off - or would you?

It could all be meaningless and coincidental. Or maybe it's serendipitous and worthwhile.

When wondering why some people come into and quickly out of our lives, and when we can fathom no reason - consider: perhaps the destiny was what you brought to their lives, then. We tend to feel that we are the centre of the universe, that God has a plan for us - it is equally, or possibly even more, likely that we are just impinging on someone else's universe, after all. This is why it is so important to try to practice kindness. If you fail at times, though, perhaps it is because that is what was meant to happen, in that particular circumstance. It is not a faliure then. For there are (at least) two sides to every story and you may not be privy to the other person's needs. Some mysteries are supposed to be.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Slip sliding away

Had a lovely trip to Broadstairs in Kent this afternoon, continuing my seaside odyssey after a brief hiatus. It took about an hour and three quarters each way. Lovely run there with several rainbows and a beautiful sunset on the way back.

It's a lovely little place, full of a sort of faded charm. I started with an ice cream at Morelli's - sitting outside at the end of October! (thanks to @rantingteacher via Twitter for the recommendation). Not sure why the horizon is slanting!

 I loved the ice cream colours of the guest houses. Then I went for a walk along the board walk and took this picture of some beach huts, which I quite like.

I finished up having a snack and a coffee in a deli with what I think was Il Rusticana playing in the background.
Just stayed a couple of hours then turned around and headed home again - slip sliding away ;-)

Friday, October 22, 2010

on the way back from the shops - random music

a fairly mundane activity, the grocery shopping
listened to the radio on the way home
random chance of what music will be playing

unbreak my heart


somebody to love

interesting how un-random the universe is really

Autumn dreams

The garden is starting to look very autumnal. The veg beds (not shown) need a good clear out and mulching before the winter and there's some pruning probably needed here and there as well. I've left the grass fairly long. There's a splash of light in the distance and a little colour nearer up.

And that's all a pretty good metaphor for how I feel about myself and life at the moment ;-) I'm definitely autumnal and areas of my life (not shown but broadly hinted at) need a good clear out for sure. Perhaps a little pruning is required too. I'm leaving some things pretty well alone. I'm hoping that the light in the distance is a dream that will bear fruit some time. The colour closer up - well, I hope that this is not some flashy thingy that's just distracting me from the real work at hand.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

time on my hands

It was our school prize giving this evening. Now some may say this is anachronistic and elitist but I think it's wonderful to see so many smiling faces. The students were great - almost a standing ovation for the top exam achiever from last year. A brilliant speaker as well.

Also, before the event I had about half an hour to spare with not too much to do. So I read some poetry! I was rather taken with this from Thomas Hardy:

The Voice

Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,
Saying that now you are not as you were
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,
But as at first, when our day was fair.

Can it be you that I hear? Let me view you, then,
Standing as when I drew near to the town
Where you would wait for me: yes, as I knew you then,
Even to the original air-blue gown!

Or is it only the breeze, in its listlessness
Travelling across the wet mead to me here,
You being ever dissolved to wan wistlessness,
Heard no more again far or near?

Thus I, faltering forward,
Leaves around me falling,
Wind oozing thin through the thorn from northward,
And the woman calling.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A bit of Shakespeare that's been going around in my head

Really don't know why this particular sonnet has been in my head for the last couple of days. I expect there are all sorts of clever explanations for it. For me, it's just saying, hey, you know what, love takes all kinds of forms, and friendship might be the one that endures the longest. As the speaker at out harvest festival at school said last week, maybe it's about being brave enough to take a risk, to take the first step, to give without hope of return.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

when I woke up this morning

Not a blues song!

I woke up (after a good night's sleep for once) with a song going round in my head. Must have heard it recently on the radio.

Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again
When I was a teenager I always wanted to be a civil engineer and, mainly, I wanted to build bridges. I am still a bit of a bridge geek and can wax quite lyrical over them! Not long ago, I was saying this to someone, who replied to me - but Jan you do build bridges all the time. Nice comment and probably true in many ways.
More recently, I appear to have lost that ability somewhat. As I have said in recent posts, I've been too egocentric perhaps. Basically, I've been out of sorts and not my usual self.
It's been a period of reflection. I think the time has come to get over it and start again. Here's to my new resolution - in the middle of October, a funny time but who says there's a special time for fresh starts? Onwards and upwards then - wish me luck please :-)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Beautiful Mess

I've mentioned this on Twitter but I love it so much that I'm posting it here so I can listen over and over again

Jason Mraz and Beautiful Mess

I love the last verse especially:

What a beautiful mess, this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"
Through, timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today. Oh the wait was so worth it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

and a bit more reflection (sorry)

sorry, still so self absorbed - maybe that's what blogs are about?

love this part of that song:-

Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

family, life, the universe and evrything (apologies to the hitchhiker)

Had a fab day today, the end of about 10 days celebrating my birthday - I wouldn't mind but it's not a 'special' one!

I think I actually started a few weeks' back with a day out with my best friend and her lovely 10 year old daughter in Brighton, lunch, shops and presents!

Then last Friday my son's girlfriend brought cakes and we ehad candles in them.

I had a nice day on 'the day' with stuff from colleagues who I like to count as friends and lots of nice gifts from family and friends - CDs, DVDs etc. Had a meal put in front of me in the evening too. The following day, yet another nice eve (though this time I cooked) with family. Saturday was a smashing Open University day and today I had an outing with spouse, brother, his wife, son and his girlfriend (lunch and live music) - folowed by a lovely family afternoon. My brother and I drove everyone else mad (as usual) with Maths chat and our silly time theories as well as telling each other family stories that the other didn't know.

Life's not so bad, is it? Sometimes I berate myself for mistakes I've made (and some of them were Huge!, especially recently). Who knows what the future holds? We can only live in the moment I suppose.

and all this on the day that has the date of the meaning of life in binary! (101010 ... 42)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Turning the clock back - but not too far!

On the whole, I am happier with myself than I was ten years ago.

If I could turn back time just a few weeks I probably would, I have been self absorbed recently - not a good thing.

every time I think of you

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Mystery and acceptance

Continuing the theme from the last post hope and faith - popped out for lunch and took with me the book recommended by @intrepidteacher on Twitter: 'Letters to a Young Poet'.

Came across a few phrases that made me think hard (again):

" patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ..."

" ... you need no longer be afraid of losing yourself and becoming unworthy of your best possession."

" ... most people misuse and squander this experience..."

So, once again, I thinking that we need not to try to understand everything that happens in our lives but, sometimes, to accept and simply live the moment.

hope and faith

In a period of reflection in recent weeks and months (since July ish). Have been wondering a lot about what I want from work, life and all that! A few recent tweets have helped me to keep the faith - though I still haven't found any 'answers'. Maybe life is actually meant to be a mystery?

@DrAnthony Where there is great love there are always miracles. - Willa Cather
@HeikkiHallantie Hope is itself a species of happiness, and perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords. - Samuel Johnson
@TheMark1000 What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson
@HeikkiHallantie If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes. Andrew Carnegie
@mistressmia Life is short ... complicate it.
@HeikkiHallantie Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Buddha
@intrepidteacher If I knew the way I would take you home....
@Janshs RT @DrAnthony RT @KristinaVittas "The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." -Sophocles
@Janshs RT @DrAnthony Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
@digitalmaverick I'm going to RT this link - please if you've 5 mins spare please read this - your life'll be richer for doing so
@Janshs: The Buddha and forgiveness