Monday, November 29, 2010

why doesn't everyone just like me???

had one of those breakthough moments today - why doesn't everyone like me? and why does it matter so much to me anyway?

this is something I need to work through (watch this space)

and for some reason this is in my head this eve:

And I wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish on all the people who really dream
And I'm wishing on tomorrow, praying it'll comes
And I'm wishing on all the lovin' we've ever done

Sunday, November 21, 2010

the summer of 2010

I've been thinking today. I'm not too sure why I started thinking about this day from my summer holidays in Galway Bay (Ireland). I went for a walk all alone on this day. I had no thought of past or future on that day but simply revelled in the day and in the beauty of the scene. Scheurich writes of a 'wild profusion of data' in research terms. I was thinking today about the wild profusion of the natural world - not in terms of flora and fauna or even geological or other physical aspects. I was thinking about the wild profusion of feelings that we get when we align ourselves with the natural world. My best friend has spoken to me of a heightened awareness that can come with pain (in bereavement for example) and I am thinking that this may be true also for happiness (not necessarily the same thing as pleasure). Perhaps bereavement remind us of great happiness that has been, might have been, or is still to be. I am not decrying pleasure - it's very nice to get it when you can! I am just beginning to realise that happiness is something quite different...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

a day driving through Kent (etc)

It was a beautiful misty autumnal morning as I drove through Kent this morning (on my way to a tutorial). I do really wish I could capture the lovely colours in either words, photographs or paintings.

On the way there and back, I yet again listened to the Rumer Seasons of my Soul CD. There are many lovely tracks on this. The first one is this Am I Forgiven?

Strangely calming.

I sometimes liken the lack of forgiveness to carrying around a sack of potatoes with the name of an unforgiven person on each one. Of course the bag is heavy and becomes smelly and slimy. The only way forward then is to forgive each person and lighten one's own load as well.

And what has this to do with Autumn? I do find the colours of decay interesting because not only are they beautiful in their own right, they are also the precursor to winter with its purging cold and whiteness and then to Spring, of course. In fact, the decay actually feeds the little sparks of life about to emerge - and I don't even mind if that is trite or hackneyed. ;-)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Insomnia nights

Although I am well aware that it is not necessarily a good thing to keep thinking instead of sleeping, it is sometimes difficult to get out of the habit - for habit is what I feel sure this is, in many ways. And easier to counsel others than to take one's own advice at times, as well.

I discovered years ago that concentrating on breathing was a good way to clear the mind; or to imagine a favourite place - but with all the senses - can be very calming. I have used these techniques at the start of exams, for example.

My wise older brother has a couple of sayings that I often quote
1) there's no point worrying - either what you are worrying about will happen and you'll find some way of dealing with it, or it won't and then you have wasted time and energy worrying
2) every day has 24 hours, every hour has 60 minutes, every minute has 60 seconds, the world turns and time passes, we can neither hurry nor slow it

I have been thinking quite a lot lately about the aspects of my thinking which involve 'if only', 'when I get this ...', 'when I meet ...' 'when I have ...'

Recently, I have also considered the fact that these things are apt to define me - if I don't have, get, meet, etc., I won't be a good person, in some way.

As Popeye said, "I am what I am"

I am happy outside, in the sunshine, in the rain, it doesn't matter. I am happy with people who make me laugh, or who share my laughs. Happy. In a way that simple 'pleasure' does not enter into. Eating a nice cheese is pleasurable - but does it make me happy? It also doesn't make me unhappy! It is immaterial in the happiness stakes.

Still thinking ..... still wondering (and wandering) ....

and still aware that to much thinking isn't always good - but maybe this is more evaluative and less compulsive thinking?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

just wondering (wandering?)

In a reflective mood again this evening. Just thinking yet again about the difference between people who walk in the rain and those who just get wet. I haven't stepped outside today (yet) and that is very bad for me. I need to be outside for at least part of the day. I don't even really mind about the weather. Stars are always good. I quite like lightning storms too.

Maybe it's linked to my love of the sea as well. I think 4th Dec will be my last chance of sea this year.

I think I'd better step outside - see you later ...

Friday, November 12, 2010

I was happy

One month ago today,
I was happy as a lark
But now, I go for walks
To the movies..maybe to the park
I have a seat on the same old bench
To watch the children play
You know, tomorrow's their future
But for me, just another day
They all gather 'round me
They seem to know my name
We laugh, tell a few jokes
But it still doesn't ease my pain
I know I can't hide from the memories
Though day after day I've tried
I keep saying, "She'll be back.."
But today again I've lied ?

Oh...I see her face everywhere I go
On the street and even at the picture show
Have you seen her?
Tell me have u seen her?
OH I hear her voice as the cold winds blow
And the sweet music on the radio
Have u seen her?
Tell me have u seen her?

Why, oh why did she have to leave and go away?
Oh, I've been used to havin someone to lean on
And I'm lost
Baby I'm lost

Have u seen her?
Tell me have u seen her??

Have u seen her?
Tell me have u seen her??

She left her kiss upon my lips
But left the break with in my heart

Have you seen her?
Tell me have you seen her?

Oh I see her hand reaching out to me
Only she can set me free

Have you seen her?
Tell me have you seen her?

Why, oh why did she have to leave and go away?
Oh yeah
Oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on
And I'm lost
Baby I'm lost

Have you seen her?
Tell me have you seen her?

As another day comes to an end
I'm lookin' for a letter, or something
Anything that she would send
With all the people that I know, I'm still a lonely man
You know, it's funny:
I thought I had her in the palm of my mind

Have you seen her?
Tell me have you seen her?

Have you seen her?
Tell me have you seen her?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

unconditional love

I have just become a great-aunt for the third time. My beautiful new great niece- I haven't even met her yet, as she's all the way in California. I was totally in love, unconditional love, forever, before I even saw a photograph. It makes me think of all my other 'loves' over so many years.
O, my love is like a red, red rose,
That is newly sprung in June.
O, my love is like the melody,
That is sweetly played in tune.
As fair are you, my lovely lass,
So deep in love am I,
And I will love you still, my Dear,
Till all the seas go dry.
Till all the seas go dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun!
O I will love you still, my Dear,
While the sands of life shall run.
And fare you well, my only Love,
And fare you well a while!
And I will come again, my Love,
Although it were ten thousand mile!


Sunday, November 7, 2010


From a hymn I was listening to today (a childhood favourite but only just thought about):
your love in our hearts Lord at the eve of the day
your peace in our hearts Lord at the end of the day

'The oak tree or the eagle would be bemused by such a question. "What time?" they would ask. "Well, of course, it's now. The time is now. What other time is there?" ' p28 The Power of Now (Tolle)

I have long thought that time is not linear at all. It is, of course, a human construction. Yes the world turn and the universe does whatever it does. Time does pass. But, what I am saying is that time might be elastic or even plastic. If that is so, we can, indeed let go ofthe past and the future. Stop wondering 'if only I had .... had not ..' or 'what if ....' It is very important, then, to acept what is happening right now and not constantly re-run it in our thoughts.

This is not a way of absolving ourselves of things we should not have done. It is about not allowing these regrets to feed on our emotions. So, your peace in our hearts Lord, at the end of the day mght literally mean at the end of each (human-defined) day, or at the end of an 'episode', or even at the end of life.

But what of your love in our life Lord at the eve of our day? Surely we do not have to wait for old age for love - that love that exists in the gaps between pain and pleasure? I don't think so; I believe we can experience it many times, and in many ways. I am concerned that we shouldn't 'go on' about it too much.

It might be fleeting. That does not make it less real or less valuable.

Comments welcome.

And this post is dedicated to several people:

my son

my mother who is still with me every day

my new great niece, who I haven't even met yet but already love unconditionally

and someone yet to be

so this is an interesting thought about creativity (well I would say that)

Still reading The Power of Now and stopping every so often to consider how it relates to both me and to people around me. There is a suggestion that we need to let go of that 'stream of thought', step outside of it, in order to be creative.

I was thinking about people I know who I find difficult to relate to (there are a few! ;-) ). I think it is that they cannot do this - they are not creative in any sense of the word. They have no hobbies or interests outside of the daily 'grind'. They don't engage in meaningful debate. They often find change hard to cope with. Now, of course, we are probably all (or nearly all) susceptible to these things from time to time. It is, perhaps, realising that we can make a decision not to be like it, more often, that enables us to get closer to a creative 'self'. This is why people sometimes say, 'how does s/he do so much' and the answer might be 'how do you do so little'. I hope that none of this sounds know-it-all or better-than-others. One of my greatest failings is finding it hard to let go of the past or to forgive myself for mistakes - easy to counsel others to do what is hard for us to do ourselves.

In fact, people who don't understand why others are not creative are just as hard to have a conversation with sometimes.

It is certainly something that I need to think about a lot as both a teacher and as a student of life, and also as someone seeking to improve harmony.

No-one is perfect, that's for sure. On the road to enlightenment, we start with a single step (with a nod to Lao Tzu).

Saturday, November 6, 2010

why did summer go so quickly

just cos I like it

this is only here just because I like this song, Bryan Adams nice

Oceans apart, day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice, on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought we'd last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I cant get near you now
Oh cant you see it baby
You got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive this romanc
But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance
Oh cant you see it baby
You got me going crazy

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

Thinking out loud

A couple of weeks ago I had a few moments that I didn't think were possible: quite involuntarily, I was not thinking - about anything.

I've just started reading The Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle). Don't know what you think of all this stuff. I was going to say that it is *thought provoking* but that might be going absolutely against the first premise of the book (I'm only up to page 19) ... perhaps what it is, is *feeling provoking*.

Does blogging/micro-blogging lead to a continuous stream of consciousness or *just* a continuous stream of thinking? 

I am very susceptible to the *if only* style of thought - *if only* I had enough money just to give up this job and do another more satisfying one, *if only* I was thinner, prettier, younger-looking (notice, not actually younger ;-) ), *if only* I had said such and such in a certain situation, *if only* I hadn't!

I aim to practice more of the style of  there's lots about my job I love, I'm never hungry and have no food, my face and body reflect a life well lived with lots of laughter, the past has gone and cannot be recalled.

I know that this won't be an overnight sensation! Watch this space (ermm the space in my thinking - the bits in between).

Friday, November 5, 2010

5th November

I love this track for the Rumer CD in fact, I love them all, every track on that CD

been busy at work, some good, some not so - as one might expect

more busy times ahead - all good

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the bits in between

with thanks to Twitter friends:

@TeaKayB @NickiA10
why do we like the bits in between -
in between teaching
in between meetings
in between chores
in between .... other stuff
yes very interesting
because we get to do what we feel passionate about?
because we get to do the fun things?
because it is not assessed or measured?
because it is why we do these things in our life ....?

a bit of a poem I read today

found this bit of D H Lawrence stuff today

The feelings I don't have, I don't have
The feelings I don't have, I won't say I have
The feelings you say you have, you don't have
The feelings you would like us both to have, we neither of us have

The feelings people ought to have, they never have
If people say they've got feelings, you may be pretty sure they haven't got them

So if you want either of us to feel anything at all
you'd better abandon all idea of feelings altogether

ooh it's all a bit sad isn't it? here's my version

the feelings I have, I'm pretty sure I have
the feelings I'd like others to have, mostly they do have
(but they don't always say, for one reason or another)
and when they don't, it's usually because I was wrong, not them

but sometimes, my feelings get in the way
or embarrass me

feelings are generally 'a good thing'

let's keep feeling happy and friendly and optimistic

Monday, November 1, 2010

life is just a bowl of...

A bowl of bangles?!
This bowl of bangles doesn't usually live on my kitchen table. It's the last day of my half term holiday. After today, I will only have a maximum of 16 'back to school' feelings. I suddenly feel overwhelmingly tired but I won't give in to it - I shall go outside and chop wood!

(Before enlightenment: chopping wood, fetching water. After enlightenment: chopping wood, fetching water. Chinese proverb)